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Shame On Me: An Anatomy of Race and Belonging by Tessa McWatt is an autobiography of her life, but instead of chronologically following the life of her years on earth, she takes the “bio” in autobiography to new lengths – she studies centuries of her family history in an attempt to figure out her identity.
Guyanese born, Canadian raised, but with African, English, Eastern, and Scottish ancestors, McWatt claims she is the “forced intimacy of four continents, the symbolic child. The miscarriage of colonialism”, highlighting how turbulent her relationship with identity is, but also how complex her situation is. This book is the tangible journey she went on to discover herself, with the help of tools like Ancestry.com and 23&Me.
The extent of this book didn’t really hit me until 24 hours later, where I found myself questioning what my identity is, though more in a cultural way than a racial one. Having grown up with an English mother and Spanish history on my father’s side (which often isn’t seen in the best light), and being the first generation of this mix, my childhood consisted of not being capable of relating to either side of the family. McWatt clearly has an inner struggle with coming to terms with her identity, which has never been fully formed, and dealing with the immense economic privilege she has gained because of growing up in Canada, adds complexity to her struggles. Despite this privilege and inner ideas about oneself, the way the world sees you is completely different. She recalls memories of travelling to places all over the world and people commenting on whether she was local, “you look like you could be my sister”. Having people recognise you as something before you recognise it within yourself is a struggle that I have dealt with before, and it is a fairly odd situation to find yourself in, so I must congratulate McWatt on articulating these struggles so clearly and poignantly.
Despite it’s slow beginning, the chapters really pick up later on, with a focus on each anatomical part of the body – eyes, nose, hair, skin etc. McWatt focuses on how small yet complex the discussions around these topics are, as well as how people draw conclusions based on what you look like – Asian eyes, African bum, White upbringing. These physical aspects of her identity have been racialised and scrutinised before she had the chance to identity them herself, and claims that even 30 years later, these aspects are still sexualised and racialised. McWatt never fails to place these discussions in the context of being multi-racial, in a heavily globalised world, and constantly brings her argument to the same question – what are you? Her identity is obviously more than the shape of her eyes and whether her hair looks black or not, but her lack of information about her family history, and the shame her family members feel when she wants to discuss it, leaves her grasping to find all aspects of herself, including physical features.
This book is definitely one I think I’ll be coming back to time and time again, because of how transformational she presents race as – race is more than the colour of your skin because it can be an identity that changes your whole life, giving you a piece of acceptance you’ve always wanted. Discovering her ancestors has aided her in being able to navigate her beliefs and politics, and while it may have taken half her life, firmly acknowledging that you can be Guyanese, British, Canadian, African, Chinese and Scottish has settled her inner anxieties about her identity.
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5